Chapters I and II of “IN THE LAND OF EXILE”

Hearing the laughter of that pregnant woman gave me the position of an intolerant human being, addicted to sarcasm and people’s defects; unable to perceive the world, as it was supposed to be, as a “twinkling of sighs”, or at least, that was how my grandfather believed it, that gentleman so prudent and mysterious who knew everything and nothing surprised him; for what that was, the precise reason, why I began to realize, how perfect the world was, always deceiving people, in such a subtle and ingenious way, that when trying to interpret it, you are already Enmeshed enough in their traps that you have a hard time distinguishing what is real from what is not.

Anyway, during my adolescent delusions, I believed myself, an extremely real and true being, even more than the truth itself, I believed, the only one not deceived by the gifts of omnipotence. Until, during the prayers of a good day, I learned the secret of weakness, in front of a profound beauty, a beauty held in two precious supports, fine but fleshy and wrapped in dazzling silk; and further, a little higher up, the best of that figure appeared; which moved and glided in such a soft and sensual way, that I cannot deny it, they made me even sweat.

It was something so magical, so pure, that I can hardly believe that it was reality, so without telling you more, I will only confess that to a certain extent, I began to doubt, because I did not know if, because it was beauty, the concept that my soul longed for so much, my imagination quickly began to sprout, thus creating the ideal muse for me, or if God had really selected his best crafts to make me tremble; So unaware, if this had been the work of heaven, or part of my dirty and sad imagination, the disorder and confusion from desperately wanting to know the truth, compulsively invaded me, to the point of feeling desolate and unprotected in the face of so much immensity .

And he no longer spoke or listened, he only walked and sometimes observed, observed those whom he believed were poor and weak for having fallen into such a tentative illusion, known as “life” by tradition; So convinced of my thinking, my ideology simply remained intact but uncertain, and without being able to avoid it even.

So in the face of my madness or my closed posture, I wanted for some strange reason, to belong to the small group of the real ones, of the supposed connoisseurs of everything and nothing, of the physical and chemical of our soil, to See myself like this, before the peak of life, despite having to sacrifice the temptations that heaven itself has offered us.

In other words, I wanted to be part of them, of those who know everything, everything about everything without being part of the traditions of the planet, because in a way, they have never been part of them, much less will be, because They are better and more outstanding than any of the many other citizens of the sphere, or at least, that is what they have been told and for the same reason, that is what they have believed themselves for many centuries ago.

The strong and hard, cold and silent loneliness inhabited me, I was the great, the energetic, the victor, seeing always and at all times, the immense mass of fools deluded, like vile inhuman parasites, because I had I have already realized my own intelligence, my capacity, and even my great ability not to be deceived, not even by the most audacious thing in existence.

So, with that same rhythm, and with that same intolerant mentality, I progressed little by little along the paths that destiny had prepared for me. However, of course, that I could never forget, the presence of that divine figure, so feminine, so sensual and so exquisitely delicious and unique, which had given me the necessary reasons to turn my essence into a prisoner of my own fiery thoughts. and sincere; But, thanks to the gifts of a moment, I was able to reconsider the fact that my ambitions were worth much more than any of my supposed temptations, since the idea of ​​being outstanding and victorious, carried it in my veins since embryo, so without tell you more, I’ll just say that that was how I practically began to convince my own person, who was she, who was not real, what if she was? She had been tricked, by the wits of life, into making me doubt. And it was thus, and not otherwise, as I began to recite to the foolishness of my insanity, that the happy muse was not for me, but for others.

So immersed in my thoughts, little by little I was discovering, discovering the dark secret, the secret of being part of the wise, of the great, but above all, of the forgotten. Little by little, very little by little without haste or pressure, I was entering the wonderful world of the absolute spectator, analyst and critic of that magnificent staging. ena. And all for what? All for my happy desire to want to get away as soon as possible, from the most, but greatest temptations on the planet.

However, even considering this new job as analyst and calculator, which I had just thought about, I couldn’t stop thinking about the delicate enchantress of charm and submission. So, trying everything from endless sleepless nights to exhausting sermons with myself, I tried to convince myself, never losing hope, that that image that my eyes had noticed was pure fantasy, pure hallucination, pure unreality and pure contradictory and unique chimera. , as he had no justifiable and certain reason, for the history of the true men of honor.

Every time, every day, every hour, every minute and even, every second, it got longer and longer; and even doubling my tasks, my efforts and ambitions, I could not make disappear, my muse of beautiful and beautiful legs, which continued immobile and intact in my head, staying there for eternity of seconds, of breaths and exhaustion. < / p>

For that very reason, as the hands of my many clocks advanced, gifts from someone before, the fears and insecurities, more and more in my mind fell, because although I tried, I could not get rid of the idea of ​​arriving to lose my enormous intellectual capacity, which, if it happened to me, could, therefore, turn me into one of those fearful of life; But there was nothing I could do to avoid such impudence, so without telling you more, I will only say that my anguish grew, grew and grew more and more, much, much more.

I no longer slept and sometimes did not eat, I just concentrated on the obsession of getting rid of such a vision.

Well, two months passed, which for me was more than three hundred and fifty lives, however they finally passed, I had achieved it, I no longer thought about her and did not even remember her exquisite figure, she was again a real being, or for At least, until I left my house and breathed differently, I no longer only breathed for air, for oxygen, I breathed for the pleasure of doing it, for the pleasure of feeling comfortable and safe, although at the same time, that same mechanism produced me some pain in my chest and back, a pain that began to alter my whole body to show me my great susceptibility to the presence of very light breezes coming from the sea.

That being the case, as is logical to understand for the terms of this story, how the confusion returned to me, perhaps out of stupidity and not because of something else, but in the end it returned. So that feeling of protection, of feeling comfortable, (I unconsciously felt comfortable) was transformed again, by desires of my so ambitious and nonconforming inherited complexity, into pure congestion and a bitter tasteless crop.

So, wanting to recover my essence of perfect, my whims began to become immune to any adversity, because they knew perfectly that to achieve success, they would have to fight without being defeated, so that in the same way, it could never be me transformed into another one, from the sad count of conformists, weak and mortal uniforms that are found daily on the face of the Earth.

And knowing the above, I just continued with my work; I continued working on my toughness, but again the supposed beauty appeared; so after a long time, after discussion after discussion with my conscience, I realized that that vision would always remain alive in my adolescent thought, and that there was nothing I could do to avoid such shamelessness, nothing more than to see her as what it was, like a beautiful sculpture, made by the hands of those who are supposed to watch over us. Yes, like a sculpture, a beautiful and fascinating sculpture that had been made, without a doubt, by the hands and talents of an emblematic being, an incomparable Lord, also known as God; while I, on the contrary, according to my own beliefs and first-class self-esteem, had been created neither more nor less, than by Perfection, and as her son, I had to remain in her same Kingdom, watching over her entire legacy in her absence.

And feeding myself with more arrogance than expected, I was enlarging my petulance, even more, much more than I longed for; every day tolerating less and less the naivety of the race, so that inevitably or perhaps inescapably, I was turning my own essence, into a giant monster, for the supposedly very human weakness.

During several sleepless nights I remained intact, but with firm reasons to do so, feeling truly restless, but above all, powerless in the face of my immense power as crown prince, and instead of transforming myself into wind so that no one would notice me, time, With its usual remedy, it simply passed, with depressing slowness and exaggeratedly desperate, over my eagle eyes, until finally, the moment came when the same echo hallucinated me, more out of laziness than arrogance; Therefore, becoming then, a kind of creature ready to waste itself and continue with the incredible movement, I was slowly letting my being fall into the depths of absolute apathy; Of course, this took time, quite a long time in fact, but in the end it was achieved, although to tell the truth, I don’t even know how it happened; However, after a considerable period of time, the inconceivable vanities of my magical autism did their thing so that I would not let myself die in my depressions, without first having made sense of my own beliefs as a “gifted child”.

And it was practically like that, as my desires to regain my positions in my inherited kingdom of kingdoms, came to me again, and they did it basically, to increase and magnify my beliefs as an incredible and wonderful specimen, on this unique planet of apes. or monkeys with unfinished intelligences, which, to a certain extent, was necessary to be possessed by the ego, and in turn, to be capable enough, to visualize the perfect attack or the best alternative to predominate. However, everything remained in theory, since I remained reflected in my studied methodologies of a huge winner, without taking them into action; And all why? All because of my obsessive desire to make everything as ingenious and perfect as my supposed mother would have made it, the most beautiful and divine Perfection of Perfections.

So, making everything only in fuzzy words remain, I was getting further and further away from my surreal ends; However, now that I think about it, and that I find myself, in the position of one who only tells stories, I do not know how to answer myself with certainty and with the sincerity of a man, what in itself stopped me, so as not to start my ideologies cheap. Anyway, maybe I am worrying more, because all this could have been the work of fate, since it was my mother who wanted it that way, or perhaps the reason is that neither her son nor her very close nephew was sometime, and because of being arrogant and imposing, I wanted to possess a throne, a throne that possibly was not found, because it did not exist.

The point is, I was stuck, in a chair or two, in a Los Angeles, California canteen, with my half-finished bottle of Johnnie Walker whiskey in one hand, and a half-started cigarette in the other; with my bearded face, once the most hairless in town, reflecting a look of fatigue worthy of regret; my legs for their part, were crossed, making constant wiggles as a symbol of my apparent dizziness; while my boots were half loose and off the ground, reflecting the four years of neglect and abuse that had passed through them; And of course, without belittling my clothes, I will tell you that my chest and abdomen were covered by a very comfortable denim and cotton jacket, which a great-aunt had given me, in her days when I was alive and splendid. I found sweat shake, liquor leftovers, and gravy stains from lunch from three days ago, especially on top of one of her bags, in which I once kept, a precious pastel blue ink pen, which my Dear grandfather gave me a gift when I was well, and now he was in the oblivion of who knows who, because my years as a highly drugged writer, had led me to relocation, thus leading me to have no idea of ​​the location of all my possession.

But now, with my five senses, or at least three of them, I was looking attentively at the bartender, an obese and careless man of about fifty-four years old, who with his long and curly beard, reflected an aspect of a lot of distrust; But first of all I will tell you that I was looking at him, I was looking at him carefully with my reddish eyes and quite drunk, without taking off for a second, my instincts to those of that dirty comrade, but the irritation in me increased and increased, so in the end For a while, I could only distinguish from him, a couple of unrecognizable and completely blurred balls, however, I continued to distinguish him after all, because even though I was already about to lose myself in my only drunken abyss, some how many brownish spots, they gave me the idea of ​​a grotesque mustache.

And there everything stopped, after half or three quarters of an hour, I began to regain consciousness, first hearing voices, then feeling flashing lights and bright across my face, and so on, until finally, after several minutes lying there, I deigned to open my very swollen eyes; I opened them, but it should be noted that I appeared in a different place, in a place disguised as a den or seedy place … in a place whose square ceilings, about ten by ten meters, hung half-old and rusty lamps; I’m not sure, but I think there were like three or four, which, I only know that they really were huge and had their birth spells, because age no longer allowed them to work as in their good old days; Likewise, despite their size, they looked like a group of sad lanterns, since the great height of the room was worthy of admiration; well, actually I’m exaggerating, but during those pathetic moments it was the only thing I saw, and honestly, it was the only thing I wanted to see, because my sight was not yet ready to understand everything in its very general context; However, when I was finally able to decipher my condition, I will tell you that thanks to my tremendous mistrust, I reached a point where I preferred to stay alive by my own means, to have to suffer the consequences of some clueless doctor who did not know the perfection the anatomy of the body, so said and done, I decided to get up even if it cost me my blood.

And until that moment, I felt, as far as possible, safe, because nothing had invaded my commandments of exceptionally gifted; However, just when I was beginning to sing victory, a cabaret girl suddenly arrived, about fourteen or fifteen years old at most, to relax with style … of course, she arrived with her total novice naivety in the matter, which made everything the environment looked innocent and pure, yet at the same time, so sinful and dirty. Then, without saying more, the young woman began with her work, sitting first along my waist, and then performing her routine exotiques as a professional nudist; That was how her sensuality took on her style and definition, and she herself without stopping at anything, began to gently touch my skin, both that of my arms and that of my wet lips; So it is that when the context or the scene that surrounded us both, was already warmer than before, the precocious girl began to slowly unbutton the buttons of my stinky coat, and when she reached my shirt, the young woman waited for a few How many seconds to turn me on more than I already was … so moving in truly provocative circles above my navel, he proposed a truly heavenly atmosphere … and he continued, continued and continued with his servant sex work, leaving me no other alternative Than to continue with my stupid ecstatic idiot face, while our temperatures rose and rose to little-known limits; they rose and rose, like what is on fire and is burned in the middle of the bonfire; They rose and rose, much, much more at every moment of our strong breathing; We were already sweating both she and I, but still the charm was not defined, even when we felt, or at least I, as if several decades of false infatuation had passed, when in reality, only three minutes were those that had passed.

But in that, like aroma in a desert, without shadow or memory, I saw her, I saw her again, I saw my diva, my wife, my deep beauty, my exquisite American delight, whose face is so sensual and delicate, it reflected an irreplaceable emotion. So it was then, when I was about to explode, that I decided to stop, abruptly throwing the girl up to the floors of the place, because I began to realize my absolute dirt, sadness and recklessness, not only with me, but with the precious muse whom, until recently, he had believed to be another useless one of the human herd, a very beautiful human, but at the end of the day, one more human.

And who knows? Perhaps you understand this as a contradiction on my part, but from there, I will tell you that my crazy imagination or perfect capture, helped me to understand that everything great should have, at least, a source of enormous inspiration, either of the air, of the wind, or of a diva like that one, the one with fleshy legs wrapped in dazzling silk; and which, without a doubt, she considered me, as a profound beauty. For this reason, my dear readers, it was then, when to this story, or to this section of my life or my history, two definitions came before me, two very distinctive and peculiar definitions, also known, as Acceptances, the first, the so-called Absolute Acceptance and the second, which I named, Alternative Acceptance.

Absolute Acceptance, although I had begun to shape it, if not since I was a child, yes from my beginnings as puberty, just until now, I began to define it with words as follows: “Absolute Acceptance”, is nothing else, more than him the motor, the motive, the air, the truth, the breath that inspires us to live day by day; while “Alternative Acceptance” is one that we create to survive.

I had a goal, an idea, a very specific purpose in my life, I had proposed that I would never get involved, far from it, I would fall in love, because that went against my principles and my superman tendencies; However, throughout my journey, I have run into certain barriers, which have prevented most of my dream from being 100% fulfilled, for which it was only, during that same period of my life or of my circumstances, when I understood that modifying certain details that I had proposed in his time, represented, more than anything else, the only adequate and intelligent alternative, to be able to survive correctly; being as it is explained, my change so drastic with respect to the sorceress muse.

Once I came to such a conclusion, I woke up still half disoriented, and with undoubtedly great flavors of confusion; So then, buttoning my shirt and jacket with absolute speed, I started to run out of the room, while the young cabaret girl, lying on the floor, stayed; scared, with just reasons to do so, and doing nothing, other than covering her small and round breasts, because undoubtedly, she felt more than ashamed, with her own person and with the image that she had transmitted to me.

When I opened the door that enclosed the scene of the events, I saw a narrow corridor that would lead me to a very wide staircase, a staircase divided in two, and which later joined somewhere, forming a wide landing, which would take me in a matter of seconds, to the ground floor of that exotic fourth-grade mansion; and there, in that part of the house, there were, I believe, between twelve and fifteen perfumed lollipops, all of them taking their clients by the hands and showing themselves willing to earn their daily bread “with dignity”.

And it was like that, as disgusted by such disgusting gloomy appearance of those “fine” damsels, I began to see everything, just as I used to see it before my drunkenness; as yet another one of the sad and pathetic games of irrational mortals; although very pleasant and tempting, but deadly in any way, low and useless mortals.

As I was leaving, I bumped my shoulders with a tall, big, medium-blond man, Italian in appearance, very elegant indeed, he looked like money, contacts, tusks, and you could even see that he had a lot, a lot of style; However, I did not give importance to it at that time, because it was until a few months later, when everything made sense, when I understood who he was, and the reason for his existence, although of course, it is not the time or the occasion to talk about that mystery, because as some wise man said in his days and hours: “everything in its space and time” … so forgetting that detail, I left hell to enter Avenida 20 de Noviembre, which made me realizing that my true essence as a manipulated character was no longer found in the lands of gringos, but rather, in their beloved national lands; However, even knowing this fact, I did not know if this should make me happy, or on the contrary, even more miserable; happy for the fact of being back, or miserable because of my unjustifiable location as a person, as a gifted person, and as a gifted person in the lands of the weak, because I did not know how, or why, I had reached such decisive limits, so Without being able to avoid it, I came to feel like the most fundamental part of a great fraud, since the fact of believing myself a child of the Divinity and at the same time not being able to control my own position as a person, made me feel, without a doubt, like the stupidest of walking and walking humans.

I felt depressed, tired and idiotic, I felt like a sham, like a failure, like a true idiot sunk in his fantastic arrogance that he even believed so true; Moreover, during that episode of my story, I really did not even know what to believe, because not even my mind, which was once so insistent, seemed strong, so it simply manifested itself, suffering from the ravages of the prejudiced remorse.

And suddenly, without realizing it, I began to believe myself as just another sad account, which killed me with panic and terror, because that showed that I was unprotected by the very great creation; So in the face of this very great doubt, or before this new absolute explanation, I just asked myself one question: Was it me, or was it just heaven, who had made me doubt, thus putting my great capacity at stake?

…